Twelve Short Stories about Metal Gear
by The Written Word
Summary: Here are twelve short stories about Metal Gear characters, in different, bizarre situations. R & R. Ocelot's holiday has commenced.
1. 1 Courtroom

_I hope you enjoy these twelve short stories about a day in the life of a snake. And if you don't! Launches dinosaur at everyone._

****

**Chapter One**

Snake walks into the courtroom and looks at his accuser, it's Meryl, sitting down on the bench with a large suit on.

Meryl: Nice to meet you, Mr. Snake.

Snake: We used to have sex! You already know who I am!

Meryl: That out of the picture, I'm suing you for killing my hamster, Wobbles.

Snake: Oh come on! He was shitting on my SOCOM! No one touches my weapons and gets away with it…

Snake's Lawyer (Otacon): My client has no further comments at this time.

Snake: I damn well do!

Otacon: Will you just sit down, Snake? All this will be over with before you know it.

Judge (Ocelot): Will all of you please rise?

All rise at the command of the judge.

Ocelot: Sit down again. I love doing that…

All sit down.

Ocelot: Prosecution, please take your first witness…

Meryl's Lawyer (Liquid): I'd like to call Snake to the stand.

Snake gets up and walks to the chair by the judge's stand.

Liquid: So, Snak-

Otacon: Objection: Vague.

Ocelot: Sustained. You may answer the question, Snake.

Otacon licks his finger and points it to Liquid to signal a 'won one' sign. Liquid turns to Otacon and starts to make a 'wanker' sign.

Liquid: Ocelot, it wasn't even a quest-

Otacon: Objection: gay.

Ocelot: Hmm, sustained.

Liquid: Snake, when was the first time you have ever killed someone?

Snake: Well that would be just after my training to go to Outer Heaven.

Otacon: Objection: Too much talking.

Ocelot: Overruled.

Liquid: Do you usually kill people, Mr. Snake?

Snake: Yes, because that is part of my job!

Liquid: SEE! He's confessed! Solid Snake is a killer!

All of the audience gasp in awe.

Snake: Well, you're a terrorist, so back off!

Liquid: And you are a cock, so shut up!

Ocelot: Silence in Court! (smacks hammer onto his stand)

All are silent.

Otacon: Objection: Too much silence.

Ocelot: Overruled.

Meryl: Objection: Non-Responsive.

Liquid: Overruled.

Otacon: Guilty.

Ocelot: I'm confused. Let's have a break.

All have a break and Otacon walks up to Snake.

Snake: So, Otacon-

Otacon: Objection: Not enough sugar in this coffee.

All walk into the Courtroom.

Ocelot: Otacon, you may prompt Snake for answers.

Otacon walks to the stand where Snake sits.

Otacon: So, Snake. Did you kill the hamster?

Snake: Yeah, but it's not that big a deal.

Jury: Guilty!

Liquid: He's definitely guilty, just look at his eyes!

Ocelot: Snake, you are sentenced to another mission in which you are to destroy a big Metal Gear.

Africa, 2010-

A large Metal Gear is crushing a ninja. Snake is pointing a stinger at the Metal Gear.

Ninja: We are not tools of the government, or anyone else. Fighting was the only thing I was good at, but at least I fought for what I believed in. Snake, farewell.

Metal Gear crushes ninja.

Snake: Hmm, deja-vu. I should have never killed that hamster. (Looks up to the heavens) Are you happy now, Wobbles? We're even now!


	2. 2 Nonagon and Cobra part one

**Twelve Short Stories about Metal Gear**

By The Written Word

2nd Story: Cobra and Nonagon

Part One: Nonagon

(It was an American day in the middle of RogueDale. Down on 19 Philanthropy Drive, Otacon and Snake were trading baseball cards.)

**Snake**: Alright, Otacon. I'll give you Barry Sherman for two swapsies of Lenny Carlson.

**Otacon**: (Sighs)

**Snake**: What's your deal? You haven't left the toilet roll in the toilet again, have you?

**Otacon**: No, it's not that. I just want to go to the Ballet with you. Every time we get any time off, we got to a Cockfight or a Demolition Derby.

**Snake:** Hey, I pay for it.

**Otacon**: Can we go see the Nutcracker?

**Snake**: Fuck your Nutcracker, I want destruction.

**Otacon**: You're such a prick.

**Snake**: Would a prick do this? (Takes off his shoe and hurls it at Otacon's head. Snake runs out of the room giggling, leaving Otacon. Soon afterward he returns to retrieve his shoe and scampers away.)

(Mei Ling soon walks in with a school uniform on and a rucksack over her shoulder)

**Otacon**: Hi.

**Mei Ling**: Hi.

**Otacon**: Why are you dressed in a school uniform? And have a rucksack?

**Mei Ling**: It wins sex appeal. 

**Otacon:** You're telling me.

**Mei Ling:** You drool over me when I'm in my normal clothes. Your interest doesn't help.

**Otacon**: Yeah, but it helps me a _lot._

**Mei Ling**: Where's Snake buggered off to?

**Otacon:** Probably to get his beer hat and his riot gun. He wants me to come to a Demolition Derby. Again.

**Mei Ling**: That crazy Snake, always getting himself into trouble. You should confront him about it.

**Otacon:** How? The guy is hooked on death and destruction. How do I confront Big Boss' clone?

(Snake runs back into the room, brushing past Mei Ling with Riot gear, two desert eagles and a rocket launcher)

**Snake:** Let's _play._

(Otacon stands up)

**Otacon:** No. I'm not going to _play_, go to a Demolition Derby, be splattered by chicken blood or give you any more fucking time off!

**Snake:** Aww, come on. I promise the only blood that you'll be splattered by is that of humans, or the ox herd from the oxfight we're going to.

**Otacon:** NO! No more destruction! BALLET! BALLEEEET!

**Snake:** Fine. I suppose I'll have to get Mei Ling to come with me.

**Otacon:** She wouldn't.

**Mei Ling:** I would. Heck, if I don't get any action from a man soon I'm gonna have to burn something.

(Snake drags Mei Ling by the arm out of the door, leaving Otacon again.)

**--Five Hours Later—**

(Otacon sits in the dark watching the TV. By TV I mean the best movie of all time, starring those three little bastards and that old karate man, 3 Ninjas)

(Banging sounds are heard as Snake is heard coming into the house with another person. They run into the room chatting loudly and excitedly about the Derby)

**Otacon:** So, you and Mei Ling have a good ti- (Otacon stops dead in his tracks as he observes the guy Snake had come home with)

**Snake:** Hey, Otacon. This is my _best_ friend, Nonagon.

(Nonagon has spectacles, a lab coat, messy black hair and a wet pair of pants)

**Nonagon**: Hey, Snake! How many heads fell on _your_ face?

**Snake:** Duh! Thirty-six!

**Nonagon**: Yeah, but I've got a litre of Dave Wilson, the Bus Driver from Manilla's blood in this jar! (Lifts the jar in triumph)

**Snake:** Fucking AWESOME!

(They bang heads together)

**Snake**: What did you watch all night, _Octagon?_

**Otacon**: I watched Will and Grace.

**Nonagon**: Oh my God! I watch that show!

**Otacon:** Really?

**Nonagon:** No, but thanks for the laughs!

(Snake and Nonagon bang heads together once more)

**Otacon:** So, where's Mei Ling?

**Snake:** Well, _Cocktagon,_she's in the back of the car. She fainted when the male ox ate the other ox's head. Anyway, we're going upstairs to watch 'Yu-Gi-Oh!'. Nonagon bought the DVD of the second series yesterday.

**Otacon:** Hey, can I watch it with you?

**Snake:** Sorry, Buttcacker. We've only got two beanbags to sit on up there.

**Otacon:** I could just lean on the door.

**Snake:** Yeah, but you're really bad at it.

**Nonagon:** Yeah. See you dude.

(They run upstairs, leaving Otacon bemused.)

**Author's Note:** Hey people, thanks for the feedback so far. Merry Christmas to all who review. That's how it works.Next chapter coming soon!


	3. 2 Nonagon and Cobra part two

**Twelve Short Stories about Metal Gear**

By The Written Word

2nd Story: Cobra and Nonagon

Part Two: Cobra

(Otacon is seen lying on the floor, drool pouring out of his mouth and a video control lying on his lap. He snores noisily and turns over. Soon enough, Snake and Nonagon sneak down the stairs with a TV. Once Snake steps over Otacon, he drops it on his head from a great height.)

Otacon: Ow, what the fuck?

Snake: We didn't think you'd mind.

Otacon: Of course I'd mind. A TV just crashed on my head.

Nonagon: Yeah, but it's a small TV.

Otacon: I don't care-

Snake: That you suck?

Nonagon: Balls?

(Otacon drags himself up from the ground and rubs his hair of dandruff. As he does so, Snake picks up a camera and hands it to him)

Otacon: What's this?

Snake: We want you to take a picture of us two hugging.

Otacon: No way.

Nonagon: Aaawww, is Cocky getting slightly angry?

Otacon: That just doesn't make sense. My nickname's Otacon, so it should be Otty or something like that. Anyway, my real name is Hal.

(Nonagon and Snake burst out laughing)

Nonagon: You're name is Cockbreath?

Otacon: No, I said Hal.

Snake: You said Cockbreath, we got it on tape.

Otacon: This is just ridiculous. I'm going to the shops.

Nonagon: Okay. We'll just piss on your bed.

Otacon: No, don't.

Snake: Did you say 'do'?

Otacon: No! I said don't!

Nonagon: You're quite enthusiastic about this aren't you?

(Otacon puts on his coat and his shoes, and walks straight out of the front door, slamming it behind him.)

(Otacon is seen putting things through the checkout, and starts to look through his wallet for cash. As he looks up, he sees a man with a mullet, a bandana and a sneaking costume at the counter. The man pulls out a SOCOM and starts to stroke it.)

Otacon: Hey, dude.

Man: Hey.

Otacon: Want to come back to my place to try and foil some terrorists?

Man: You already know the answer to that.

(Otacon smiles)

Otacon: Hey, could you say 'Metal Gear' for me?

Man: Why the hell would I want to do that?

Otacon: Just do it.

Man: 'Metal Gear'? (In a gruff and enquiring tone)

Otacon: Wow.

Man: I don't think I can go with you, I'm busy smoking.

Otacon: There's a hot Asian babe in it for you.

(The man walks out with him straight away. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Snake and Nonagon are pouring lemonade onto Otacon's bed)

Snake: This is so cool! He won't expect it to be just lemonade.

Nonagon: Why didn't we just soil it in the first place?

Snake: Because this way, we don't have to get our dicks out.

Nonagon: Quilanthropy forever!

(They bang heads together, and cause each other to bleed. There is a slam at the front door)

Snake: Okay, _I'm_ going to pour the tar over his head. You pour the beans on him.

Nonagon: Makes sense. (They rush downstairs, and stop in their tracks. They observe Otacon and the man who has come with him)

Otacon: Snake, Nonacock…_I've always wanted to say that_…meet Cobra.

(Snake's mouth hands wide open, and he cringes at the sight of his almost identical twin)

Cobra: Our genes are what determine us.

Otacon: Heh heh heh, they sure are.

Cobra: Liquid!

Otacon: So, Snake…I've found a friend whose even _more _crude and says even _more _idiotic things than you.

Cobra: A surveillance camera?

(There is a long silence.)

Snake: Hey, Cobra. Want to come to a bar with us?

Cobra: Sure.

Otacon: Wait! I thought you'd stay here, hang out on the laptop, research terrorists.

Cobra: No one wants to stay here with you.

Snake: No, not a living soul.

(Otacon starts to sob and rubs his eyes.)

Nonagon: Aaw, cheer up Cocky. I'll stay here with you.

Otacon: Really?

Nonagon: No, but thanks for the laughs! (He punches Otacon in the testicles. They all bang heads and walk out the front door.)

Fin 


	4. 3 Ocelot's Holiday

**Twelve Short Stories about Metal Gear**

By The Written Word

3rd Story: Ocelot's Holiday

SCENE ONE: HOTEL ROOM

It's a summer afternoon, party animals swim and play and dance in a swimming pool, eating burgers. They throw a beach ball up, and it hits the sun, knocking off its glasses. The sun smiles and takes it, because the sun is a really nice guy. He likes to shine on people, and make them feel warm, but sometimes too warm, and people get sunburns. The day before, the sun shone on a man who wanted sunshine, but too much, and fried him like KFC chicken. But in the end, it was a good thing, because everyone ate some of his barbecue corpse, and the sun smiled.

The swimming pool was situated right outside a nine star hotel, and above the pool, on the third floor, on the balcony, Revolver J. L Ocelot sits reading Tom Clancy literature. When I say literature, I mean bull excrement, and by Tom Clancy, I mean a leg of lamb.

So, Ocelot sat there, reading bull excrement by leg of lamb and breathed in the fresh air, in through his nose and out through his mouth, and kept doing this until he needed his inhaler, and coughed brown mucus onto the floor. He had a bad disease.

Standing up from his chair, he walked toward his balcony, and grinned at the scene below: young people having a good time. He hadn't seen anything like it before, because when he was young, there was a strict policy about enjoyment. The policy was never discovered.

The room Ocelot had been living in was great; it had a bed and toilet, and a bath. In the bath he liked to play with his rubber duck, it squeaked quite a lot.

Ocelot had come here to get away from everything in America; the Patriots, being hunted down to be killed, his Mother…

This time, he wasn't going to be menacing, but kind and generous. If only people could just forgive him, he'd show that he wasn't a grumpy assassin.

An Asian man walked through his door and laid fresh towels on his bed, and smiled. He was having a holiday in some country in Asia, but he couldn't understand what the airline told him so just assumed it was China.

Man: Hello, I am happy to welcome you to our hotel. If you need anything, we'll be downstairs cooking for the guests

Ocelot: Rice?

Man: What?

Ocelot: Nothing.

Man: I'll send you a welcome mint up in a minute.

Ocelot: But I want a fortune cookie.

Man: I'm sorry, we do not have any available.

Ocelot: Well, make them available, or I leave.

Man: (sighs) Alright, we'll make some fortune cookies, _just _for you.

(Ocelot smiles and throws a yen to the man)

Ocelot: Buy yourself something nice.

Man: But this is one yen, it's the currency for Japan and its worth less than a cent in the US.

Ocelot: Keep it for luck.

(The man frowns and walks out of the room, dropping the yen.)

Ocelot: (Shouting) Ungrateful!

(Ocelot turned back to his bull excrement and flushed, and then began to get ready for a swim in the pool.

SCENE TWO: SWIIMING POOL

Ocelot walked toward the sun beds at the side of the pool, in nothing but his Bart Simpson boxers. The sun vomited when he looked at him, all over Mr. Cloud, who went to get washed; frustrated and spaced.

Ocelot walked past a woman in nothing but a bikini, and woofed. This was the thing about holidays, Ocelot thought; you could perve all you like without anyone noticing. He lay down on a sun bed and sighed, and then began reading his favourite novel: 'DotC by futurtwat'. What he liked about the style of this novel was how half of each chapter was the author talking about himself.

Suddenly, he heard the cock of a shotgun and peered over to the other side of the pool, Snake, Raiden and Otacon were standing there in their gear. How could they have tracked him down?

Snake: Otacon, for the last time, I'm sorry for what happened with Nonagon.

Otacon: Sorry! I'm sterile for the rest of my life thanks to your fucking psycho friend.

(Raiden kicks him in the balls and steps back. Otacon howls with pain and crumples onto the floor.)

Otacon: Why did you do that?

Raiden: Kicks.

Snake: Plus, it'll teach you for insulting my buddy.

Otacon: I thought I was your buddy…

(Snake boots him in the stomach and wraps him in a trash bag, and then ties it. Soon afterwards he throws him into the swimming pool, and laughs.)

Snake: _That's_ for talking.

Raiden: Now, where's Ocelot?

Snake: Probably jerking off to some granny porn.

Raiden: Yeah, and combing his moustache.

Snake: With a cock.

Raiden: Yeah. Where's the best place to do that kind of thing…?

Snake: In front of a computer ridden with viruses?

Raiden: Yeah! He'll be in the internet café.

Snake: Yeah, the _lame _computer café.

(They run into the hotel, and Ocelot sighed with relief, then had a heart attack, then sighed with relief.)

Ocelot: I've gotta get out of here. If they catch me, I'm screwed…

SCENE THREE: DINING ROOM: 9PM

Ocelot sits nervously at a table in the dining room, eating some foreign food and looking smart. He peers round to find the two agents Raiden and Snake sitting down five tables away from him.

Raiden: Been in the toilets yet?

Snake: No, why?

Raiden: They've got fountain toilets! With different colours of water!

Snake: Did you rip it from the wall?

Raiden: Sure did. This place is a gold mine.

Snake: You're telling me, they actually smiled at me when I stole their money from the counter, and gave me a discount off my last meal.

(Silence for few seconds)

Raiden: You killed them and stole their wallets, didn't you?

Snake: Yeah, well…

Raiden: We need to keep a low profile. No more killing 'til morning.

Snake: What if I see Ocelot?

Raiden: Then yeah, you can.

(Ocelot whimpers and runs outside to the swimming pool, and pulls the trash bag with Otacon in it out of the pool, unties the bag and pulls Otacon out of it.)

Ocelot: Look, Otacon, I hate you and you don't like anyone else, so let's put aside our differences and get away from these freaks.

(Otacon gasps for air as he chokes on a piece of the bag)

Ocelot: Answer me, geek! (He slaps him across the face three times and headbutts him, causing Otacon to faint. Ocelot runs out of patience and ties the bag back up, kicks it several times and throws it into the water again.)

(…However, Snake and Raiden have watched this incident and have twelve gauge shotguns in their hands, angry and hungry for old blood.)

Snake: You killed him.

Ocelot: You did it first, I-

Raiden: You've murdered enough people…

Snake: And raped enough women.

Raiden: And spun your last revolver...

(Ocelot finds himself trapped, and begins to attempt to climb over the wall. They watch him and his vain attempts of escape, as Ocelot falls off the wall and lands on his feet.)

Ocelot: I'm away from that life now, all I want to do is stare at Asian chicks, watch my computer screen and live to life's fullest. I want to sniff flowers, stroke dogs.

Raiden: Yeah, only so you can have your way with them.

Ocelot: No, don't you see! I'm a better man.

(There is silence, apart from the mumble from the water and the sound of crickets chirping.)

Snake: Ocelot, we forgive you, pack your bags and let's get out of here.

Ocelot: Oh, thank you!

(They wait for Ocelot to get ready and he comes rushing outside, with his bags hanging from his hands and his coats over his shoulder. They walk to the front of the hotel and guide him to a taxi. He turns around and grins.)

Ocelot: How can I ever thank you?

Snake: Just live a better life. Not for our sake, but your own.

Ocelot: Thanks. Sorry about all those things I put you through.

(Snake smiles and opens the taxi door, and Ocelot gets into the taxi with his bags on his lap.

There is no taxi driver, and Ocelot realises he's been trapped. Before he can get out, Snake locks the door and plants C4 all over the car. Raiden and Snake step away from it and Raiden shoots the bombs, blood and metal flies into the air as they watch.)

Raiden: So, you think he really _was _a better man?

Snake: Meh…Hey, you've gotta show me that toilet!

(They run into the hotel excitedly.)


	5. 4 As I Lay Smoking PART ONE

**As I Lay Smoking:**

**Part One**

* * *

**SNAKE**

Otacon and I come up from the field, following the path in single file. Otacon is holding his feminist magazine again, reading various articles to me regarding various womanly issues. The latest one he stuttered to me was a three page rant by a gregarious old woman about how her husband never washed the dishes or something. I've always thought, even when at the brink of death, when gunning down a horde of cyphers whilst Emma crossed that bridge rigged with invisible C4, why can't women drive? They can multi-task, they can suck cock, they can cook a decent meal, but they can't drive. Now Otacon's caught up with me. He smells of bacon grease and he's attempted to straighten his hair. The result looks like he's dipped his hair in a vat of semen. I need to ask him why he did this, I demand to know, because it is my right as a man.

"Why have you washed your cock with your hair?"

"Huh?"

He looks at me and pushes the glasses up the bridge of his nose. His breath is like garlic.

"Get with the latest style, Snake. People straighten their hair all the time nowadays."

"You look like a Michigan whore."

"You have a mullet, you're wearing a bandanna! You look like something out of the fucking lost property box at the asylum."

I stop and trip him up. He lands nose-first with a cloud of dust. The magazine fell next to a stream. I use my speed and awareness of my surroundings to kick it into the water. His sweet silence says it all – "Snake is a man I must aspire to be"

We continue down the path and I nudge in front of him because he's inferior, and we come to a clearing. Through the trees, a shack sits – most probably the house we rented off of that holiday website we used to find out where the Big Shell was. The information page for the Big Shell read -

'If you are looking for Luxury accommodation in a beautiful, peaceful location within easy driving distance of Shalashaska's pad, then look no further. Property Type: Not a Metal Gear'

I was turned off by the fact in the middle of the thing there was a room called the 'colon', but that just spurned Otacon on. I like to think rather than a 'scientist', he's an 'anusist', because he studies the male anus.

"That must be it through those trees." Otacon squeaked.

"Yes, it must be. Faggot." I growled.

"Do you think our stuff's been dropped off at the shack?"

"I don't know. I'll call Screaming Mantis when we get there."

"…Screaming…Mantis?"

"That's what I said. You've got a spot on your nose."

**OTACON**

The shack is in full view, and our feet carried us here. I couldn't believe what Snake is doing. His walk is obviously not orthodox, and his manner is below average IMO. I sometimes think this is a bit too much for me. This guy, after all, has ditched me for some real dix, like that time with that Nonagon guy or the time he fucked off with Raiden. I provided the data, I provided the location of Ocelot's whereabouts. And where do I end up? Tied up in the bottom of a swimming pool. 2bh I don't think that Snake appreciates me as much as he did in Shadow Moses. At least he said 'I'm counting on you'. Now all he says is, 'You're a jizzfuck shitganglion' every time we log out of codec.

We walk up the path, well, I walk, Snake kind of swings his hips and let his arms hang. He's smoking a cigarette (I wish he gave me one) and his hand's down his pants now. I think he's trying to impress me, or himself.

"Knock on the door, Otacon"

"Why?"

"Because-"

Snake froze and now inspects the floor. He equips his SOCOM and starts aiming it at the trees. The whole 'I've got a pre-determined life expectancy' thing must really be getting to him.

"Hey, did you get another SOCOM? I thought you got it swiped from the metal detector clearance at the airport"

We had to wait for the next plane because Snake wouldn't hand in his SOCOM. Then, in the waiting room, he realised that the man sitting on the other side of the room to us looked just like Desmond Tutu. When he came back he had a fat lip and a black eye. I asked him if it was Desmond Tutu and he said no. I think we've become stronger as friends since then.

"I had to buy an air gun from the bike store after we got off the plane."

He stops and turns, and lol he trips a bit but he's balanced again.

"There are breadcrumbs leading up to this house"

I stop giggling and snorting and look up, realising Snake was right. Then, from behind me, a door creaks open, and the horrible sound of an old crow's laughter echoes…

**SNAKE**

The door opened and fat old bitch came out with a shopping bag.

"The fuck are you in our holiday villa, Margaret Hamilton?"

Otacon starts stuttering and messing with his glasses, producing a high pitched cough that's supposed to be a laugh.

"Sorry about Dave here, he's just a little tired from the plane. Snake, this isn't Margaret Hamilton, this is AVE, she owns the villa"

Margaret Hamilton stands with a weird smile on her face. Rummaging through her collection of what is probably needles and child excrement and selections of herbs and spices your Nan always had in her living room, she carries on laughing. Then, extending her finger, she bends it, signalling for us to go in. For some reason there's a motorbike leaned against the wall, and one of those old codecs on the floor.

"Let us in" I growl, and hold the SOCOM at arm's length, pointing it at her yellow 'teeth'.

She leads us in, and the hallway is covered in old chocolate. Turning to leave, the door slams shut, and as I turn back, she is now gone. Her cackle sounds in the stale caramel air of the shack, screeches of what appear to be bats from the stairwell burn through my brain. Otacon starts crying and sits on an armchair. He keeps rubbing his knees as I edge round the household. His overalls are faded; on one knee a serge patch cut out of a pair of pyjama pants, wore iron slick. Behind me, a clock chimes, and I spin round to find the fine glass of an 18th century clock, covered in chocolate.

"Have you ever read that old book about the two children who went to the gingerbread house?"

I ignored Otacon since he was going to state the obvious. We were in the house of the witch from Handspa and Gretzl, or whatever. From the look of things, it seems she's only trying to make it look like the house, because from all I can see she's just spread a load of chocolate sauce on the furniture and walls. Fucking weirdo, I knew it. Otacon's kind of place. The place where he does all the research on an internet encyclopaedia and I gun the fuck out of some sycophantic tramps with a laser gun or whatever.

This house epitomises what I know about women. They can cover chocolate over the walls, but they can't drive. And the fucking motorbike doesn't count either.

**SCREAMING MANTIS**

I lick mah eye and then get to work with Snake's things. I've wrapped them up in a nicely tied bean bag, an' I know zactly where I'm gonna be going: Old Shack, The Woman Who Had Good Tits In MGS3 St. The corbies, they're wingin', and my bath full of frogs is croakin', and I'm floating because I ain't got too much courage right now and I need some'n to calm me down so I gets me some moonshine and then I get right to the car. Mah head is spinnin'. I think I'm goin' be done wiv all this measuring of truth. Mask time, wurggggh it's hard.

**JIM HOUSEMAN**

My dick's so big, it's unbelievable. My secretary's on the phone and she's as hot as pole dancing nuclear missiles. I'm sitting in the big chair seeing as I've got nothing better to do, and there's a big button for a Snake-detecting missile near my hand.

"Mr. Houseman, Colonel Campbell's on the phone."

"Later, bitch, my button's waiting to be pressed."

"He says he wants to negotiate a truce, sir."

"Tell him he's a fat fuck, and he's got no power to say who can or can't be killed under my authority, and if he calls again I'll get his landlord on the phone and tell him about that car washing job he has."

She walks out the room. God, I love watching her go.

**SNAKE**

I sit with a really bad sick feeling in the back of my throat because the chocolate smell is getting too bad. The doors are locked, the bitch is masturbating somewhere and Otacon's in a ball on the floor.

"I always thought I'd die in Miss Havisham's house. I just never said it out loud, y'know."

Otacon didn't seem interested, he just stayed in the ball and whimpered. I think he's pissed his pants again, but I have no idea.

Suddenly, something vibrates on my ear. It's the codec. I look at it, and it says 140.85. The last time I took a call from Colonel Roy Campbell was at a party three years ago. He was asking where his ex was at the party and what she was doing. He started crying when I told him she was sticking her tongue down the back of Raiden's neck. I don't know if I want to take this, but I press the button anyway. I've got no one else to talk to.

"Snake, it's an emergency"

"Colonel, what's happening?"

We always talk commando when we're on the phone. It makes everything that bit more exciting. I pretend I'm totally right wing when I'm around him, because if I didn't, he'd give me a lecture like some old woman about his days etc. etc.

"Jim Houseman's launched the Snake homing nuke. Wherever you are, I hope it's covered in chocolate, because you're going to need all of the assurance you can get. Over and out."

And then it went dead. I sit on the floor and take out my pack. In it is one last cigarette, and one last match. I strike it and light the end of the cigarette, lying on the floor and pressing it in between my lips.

"Snake? Do you think this chocolate is edible?"

At least I'll go out with a bang.


End file.
